I've been a widow for more than 37 months. It stuns me sometimes to think of how much time has passed. I'm never sure how much of my perpetual overwhelm is from my widowhood or just "life under the sun" as the author of Ecclesiastes would say.
I recently met with a woman who is about to hit the 10 year anniversary her husbands death. When I remarked that 10 years seems like a big milestone she agreed but quickly followed up with "it seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday at the same time". I know that feeling well.
It is easy for me to think of Greg in generalities without feeling the deep sting of loss. We talk about things he likes, things he said, and things he did with a smile on our faces.
But to slow down and really think about him - the sound of his laugh, the feel of his hand in mine, the way he sat in a chair or the sound of his feet on our stairs- that hurts. Those are the details that make me remember what it was like to have him here. Alive.
I used to not be able to fathom a day without him. Now, it's hard to imagine him here in this current life with us- this one built without him out of necessity instead of desire. The one with a 9 year old instead of a 6 year old. The one with new big decisions to face and so much change on the horizon.
It's also hard to imagine how God will sustain me in the years to come. Will it always feel like I'm getting by a day at a time? Will I ever feel confident in my ability to carry what's been entrusted to me? I'm unsure.
But 37+ months has taught me that I don't need to be sure. Shaking, trembling, stumbling, dragging... however I walk into a new day, a new day will come. And God will be just as faithful to carry me tomorrow as he's been for 37+ months.