5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays as a Widow

The holiday season is hard for every grieving person, but maybe more so for widows. The traditions that once felt so special don't have the same thrill when we carry them alone. The extra responsibilities of putting up a tree, purchasing gifts and sending out Christmas cards can't be shared, and there's no one to help make the myriad of decisions that come this time of year. For some widows, it means an empty house on Christmas morning and an empty seat at the Thanksgiving table. For others, it's watching kids open gifts alone and staying up late to "play Santa" all by yourself. The loneliness of grief is inescapable at the holidays.

If you, like me, said goodbye to your husband in the winter - somewhere smooshed between (or even on) the special days that adorn our calendars - this time of year is even heavier. Memories come like the cold winter wind, reminding you of all the lasts and the sorrow that descended darker than any winter night.

This is my 5th holiday season without my husband and the 5th time I've felt dread. November through January feels like a huge lift every year.... making plans, baking cookies, attending parties and buying presents. I'm able to enjoy it a little more each year, but it's never quite the same as it was when he was by my side. And navigating the joy and sorrow together can feel like walking through a field of landmines while everyone around obliviously carries on as usual.

Here are 5 ways I've learned to handle the holidays with kindness toward my grieving heart:

Shop early

Each year, I try to get all my shopping, wrapping, card signing, and mailing down before Thanksgiving. I know that once December hits, the grief will feel like a heavy weight on my back, making these things harder and sucking the joy out of them. Getting everything off my to-do list early means I can slow down when the grief hits hardest.

Scale back

I've always loved the holiday season and tried to soak up every bit of it. Every ornament was hung on the tree, every decoration graced our home, and every favorite Christmas recipe was baked. But without my husband to help and enjoy all the elements of Christmas we loved, I've learned that scaling back is my friend.

Some ornaments are hung, but only the ones that feel good to me and my child. Some foods are made, but only the ones we enjoy most and can share with others. Some decorations are displayed, but not the ones that bring tears to my eyes. Some meals are catered instead of cooked at home.

Just say no

It's a hard thing to walk into a holiday party all alone. Over the past 5 years I've bravely attended some and said no to others. Church small group silly gift exchange? Sure! Women's tea with prayer and reflection? Maybe. Couples' Christmas dinner and I'll be the only one without a spouse? Hard pass. I'm learning which spaces feel good and which make my heart heavy - and that it’s okay to say no to things that are too hard in this for season.

Add something new

We started a new tradition of having a gingerbread house competition a few years ago and it stuck. It's something we look forward to that doesn't bring any tinges of sadness with it - because it's new, competitive and fun. We do it with family and we ask others (friends, etc.) to vote for the winner. It's been nice to have something to look forward to that is the right fit for the family we are now, not the family we were with Greg.

Focus on Christ

The Christmas story has never meant more to me than in these years since Greg died. Unlike our upbeat Christmas jingles, over-the-top Christmas shopping, and ridiculous tacky Christmas sweaters, the biblical story is for grievers.

It's full of childless couples, misunderstood young mothers and marginalized people. The Christmas story contains the overlooked, weary, and waiting. The good news of a Measiah was given a people in bondage to sin, suffering and death and is still good news to us whose hearts still break over these things today.

Christmas shines into our weary world like the star shone in the night sky, leading seekers to the place whereJesus lay. Christmas tells us that the God who made all things has come close. He is Emmanuel - God with us - now. He will be Emmanuel - God with us - forever.

Jesus' birth gave us a way to know God. Jesus's death provided a way back to the God who loved us enough to die for us. And Jesus will come again to defeat death forever and bring us home to him.

Inste