I didn’t know it would be our last day
Last wake up
Last time sitting at the table together
I didn’t know that I would regret
A simple walk
My ignorance
I didn’t know that I should prepare
My son
Myself
Our friends
My family
I didn’t know that what I said was true
He was making the choice to die at home
I didn’t know that the tree we decorated weeks before would be the one he died beside
Or that the nativity scene was being arranged by his hands for the last time
I didn’t know that my son was awake
That he would have trouble sleeping for months and months
That fear had invaded his little heart
That he knew his daddy was gone by the quiet he woke up to in the morning
I didn’t know what it felt like to be ripped in half
Or how long it took to even begin to grieve
I didn’t know that widows by gravesides are not composed but rather in shock
That they look strong but are actually barely present to what their body is doing
I didn’t know that each night I would dream of him and wake up again to the horrible reality of his death
I didn’t know that someone so close to death could be so strong
I didn’t know that only his will to Iive was keeping him alive
I didn’t know that death changes everything
Every relationship
Every meal
Every holiday
Every sunrise
Every prayer
Every thought
Every age and stage
Every belonging into something precious
I didn’t know how low I could go
I didn’t know how desperate I could be
I didn’t know that the way to survive is just to keep surviving
I didn’t know that numbness is a gift and that pain is a gift as well
I didn’t know that God was so near until he was
That Jesus was so strong until I was so weak
I didn’t know how crucial the hope of Heaven is until it was the only hope I had left
I didn’t know how much he had shaped me
Influenced me
Molded me
Supported me
Encouraged me
Loved me
Knew me
Saw me
Until he was no longer here and I was left with gaping holes that he had filled
I didn’t know how long it would take to accept that he’s gone
Or how many levels of acceptance there are
I didn’t know that watching him die
Be taken away
Lie still in his casket
Be buried in the ground
Be covered with dirt
Would not do it
Neither would a memorial service 7 months later
Or cards
Flowers
Letters
Pictures
Time
Change
Growth
Grief
Therapy
Medicine
None of it would convince me if his gone-ness
I would not be surprised if he walked through my door
2 years later
Maybe it’s because he’s alive
Fully
Finally
Maybe it’s because in a way he’s even more alive now that he’s with the Lord than he ever was here on earth
Maybe it’s because he is part of the great cloud of witnesses
Gone from me, yes
But not gone from eternal life
Maybe it’s because he has found true life
The reward of his faith
His true home
Maybe it’s because eternity is closer than I think
We are only separated by a veil
Maybe it’s because what binds is most closely together- Christ- had not been broken
Maybe it’s because his faith is sight and someday mine will be too.