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I Didn’t Know

I didn’t know it would be our last day

Last wake up

Last time sitting at the table together


I didn’t know that I would regret

A simple walk

My ignorance


I didn’t know that I should prepare

My son

Myself

Our friends

My family


I didn’t know that what I said was true

He was making the choice to die at home


I didn’t know that the tree we decorated weeks before would be the one he died beside

Or that the nativity scene was being arranged by his hands for the last time


I didn’t know that my son was awake

That he would have trouble sleeping for months and months

That fear had invaded his little heart

That he knew his daddy was gone by the quiet he woke up to in the morning


I didn’t know what it felt like to be ripped in half

Or how long it took to even begin to grieve


I didn’t know that widows by gravesides are not composed but rather in shock

That they look strong but are actually barely present to what their body is doing


I didn’t know that each night I would dream of him and wake up again to the horrible reality of his death


I didn’t know that someone so close to death could be so strong

I didn’t know that only his will to Iive was keeping him alive


I didn’t know that death changes everything

Every relationship

Every meal

Every holiday

Every sunrise

Every prayer

Every thought 

Every age and stage

Every belonging into something precious


I didn’t know how low I could go

I didn’t know how desperate I could be

I didn’t know that the way to survive is just to keep surviving

I didn’t know that numbness is a gift and that pain is a gift as well


I didn’t know that God was so near until he was

That Jesus was so strong until I was so weak


I didn’t know how crucial the hope of Heaven is until it was the only hope I had left


I didn’t know how much he had shaped me

Influenced me

Molded me

Supported me

Encouraged me

Loved me

Knew me

Saw me

Until he was no longer here and I was left with gaping holes that he had filled 


I didn’t know how long it would take to accept that he’s gone

Or how many levels of acceptance there are


I didn’t know that watching him die

Be taken away

Lie still in his casket

Be buried in the ground

Be covered with dirt

Would not do it


Neither would a memorial service 7 months later

Or cards

Flowers

Letters

Pictures

Time

Change

Growth

Grief

Therapy

Medicine


None of it would convince me if his gone-ness


I would not be surprised if he walked through my door

2 years later


Maybe it’s because he’s alive

Fully

Finally


Maybe it’s because in a way he’s even more alive now that he’s with the Lord than he ever was here on earth


Maybe it’s because he is part of the great cloud of witnesses


Gone from me, yes

But not gone from eternal life


Maybe it’s because he has found true life

The reward of his faith

His true home


Maybe it’s because eternity is closer than I think

We are only separated by a veil


Maybe it’s because what binds is most closely together- Christ- had not been broken


Maybe it’s because his faith is sight and someday mine will be too. 

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